Random Musings

I started this blog with the hope that this will be a safe space, for my rantings on the twitter were not considered very nice.  They think if I have had a breakup, it implies, everything I have been ranting about is related to that one single event.  Why is that single event, so important? The only reason I even mentioned it was because people asked me.  I have always had issues with my friends, this is not something new, I have always had issues with my family, this is nothing new either.  After breakup, I definitely needed mental health support and safe space - and I looked up to my friends, and I did not get what I had expected.  The lack of safe space irritated me, made me angry, made me rant further on social media, considering there was no safe space available to rant.  After my rant, people did approach me, but that doesn't take away my hurt of initial lack of space and long term hurt of people not reaching out in general. Of people constantly ignor...

For previous few days, I have been struggling to figure out if I even have friends. I approached a lot of people who I thought would like to talk to me, almost to no avail. I felt dejected, and disappointed, to say the least.  I spoke to my therapist about this. They think I don't have friends. What I have are transactional acquaintances. A group of people, who will talk to me when one of us need help or if there's some social obligations to be fulfilled, be it birthdays or anything. This isn't the same as having friendships which are natural, where you speak to people just for the fun of it.  I feel that is a very true evaluation of how human relationships have worked for me throughout the time. I have not had people who would just talk to me for the sake of it.  I do not know how can I change that, what can I do to make friends which aren't mere transactional support system to me.  The problem with transactional support system is, it doesn't work when you're a...