Random Musings

I wrote another mail to my therapist yesterday morning. Obviously they're unavailable to respond. Here's how it goes:  "I write once again.  There has been no improvement; there has been a massive decline in my health. I am not eating properly, and I don't feel good. I must have lost a few kilos in the last 20 days. I don't think I can sustain this anymore. I don't see the point.  I plan to take a train to some random place, switch off my phone and never appear again. I don't know what I will do, how I will live. I don't even know where will I go or if I will ever live again. I just want to disappear, whatever it takes.  People think this is me seeking attention, they think I have no issues, and I am doing it to gain unnecessary attention, but I hope they will realise how hurtful they were in forcing me to take these steps. I want to be at peace, and I want this pain to end. I can't bear it anymore.  People told me that I should stop taking antidepr...

 Hi,  I feel exhausted; the whole world feels that way. I am seeing a psychiatrist now, I have been taking SSRIs for four days now, along with mood uplifters, and my mood has gone down?  I still feel I am so alone; my mother has been emotionally abusing me, telling me how I am not thinking about her. I still have no friends. Moreover, people don't want to talk to me because I have a low mood, and when I tell them I am having psychiatric issues, they don't want to be involved in the whole thing. Though, they would happily talk to me if it were about something they needed help for.  I feel like my only support system is the one that I can pay for, be it therapy or be its psychiatry. That's all the support system I have. People have told me time and again how they're tired of hearing from me that I am not feeling good and how there is a limit to all this talk, how everyone has problems in their life and how my issues are not even significant enough. I am tired; I am ex...

I have been wronged at so many points in the life. Is there even a point to continue?  I don't wish to elaborate, but, if harassing someone, if forcing people to falsely accuse someone for abuse, is your definition of fun, then you should rot in hell, if there's one.  But you know what? There's none. There is no punishment for anyone, for people who will literally threaten you, who will abuse you, who will physically hurt you. There's nothing people are going to face repercussions for.  People could literally kill me tomorrow, and face ZERO repercussions for it. And that has been my realisation.  People will always win, and I shall always lose.  People are tired of me feeling this way, nobody is tired of how abusive and bullying people have been. Nobody has ever questioned them.  I refuse to die, but that's all my body wants rn. There's nothing that will ever stop these harassments. There's nothing which will ever result in punishment for these harassments....

 As I curl up in my bed, my body refusing to do anything, I feel unsafe. I feel drained out of every joy in this world. I have my issues, I am not a perfect person. In past few days, I have pushed people away, I have been very hard person to be around. But, whatever has happened, is forcing me into isolation.  For last 10-12 days, I have constantly been getting vile threats. They started out with simple messages, asking me to stop harassing someone, who didn't feel harassed. Then they moved to literal vile shit like this:  I got this message. I got multiple more messages, and they didn't affect me that much. They made me feel sad, but I was okay with them.  Then, these people resorted to the worst thing possible, they threatened me of physically hurting me, the said, "they will fuck me the way I was fucked as a kid, allegedly" referencing to my history of child sexual assault; they said, "they will tire me to the death".  I have been told all these things be...