Random Musings

I write once again.  The idea of unsafe space is practically unheard of in this country. The fact that the home where you grew up could be the unsafest space out there sounds sacrilegious to people. The idea that family is essential is ingrained in Indian society to such a level that nothing could happen without them.  On a call today, I was asked if I stay 70 km away from my home, why can't I come to my home over the weekends. It was such a normal thing to expect, and guess what? Since they were prospective future employers, I couldn't tell them the truth. That's how this society has been built - be hush about all the abuse you face, especially if that abuse stems from the family - how can your family even abuse you? It is so normalised that the use of the word abuse is frowned upon.  Anyway, I was further instructed to be present at my home within 2 days so that my verification can take place, no questions asked if I could be present or not or if I even wanted to be the...

For all my life, there was one answer to complains I had against my caretakers. There was one answer I always got when I said to others that I was being abused, "Achieve XYZ in life, make them feel proud and they'll stop. Get ABC job, and then it won't affect you at all." The society's answer to abuse is gain power, become more powerful and then it won't matter or worse you'll be able to take revenge. A society which functions on this rotten logic of jungle justice is bound to fail.  Let me tell you what happens when you achieve something, which in social terms defines power/success - NOTHING. Absolutely nothing changes. You're still broken to the core. You still require emotional support.  The only thing that changes is when you complain about things, when you tell someone you don't feel good, they tell you to not overthink because you have a job in hand. They tell you how everyone envies you for people will die for this opportunity. Be grateful. ...

 The whole world is a blur. I have been shouting in void for weeks now. I have been told I am making people uncomfortable by telling them that I am suicidal.  I have been constantly called an attention seeker with no issues but the act of seeking attention.  Everyone will put posts, saying how I deserved better. How all of you were right there, I could have spoken to any of you.  Well here's the bare truth - none of you were. All you people told me was how busy is life, how you have to take care of yourself.  Nobody wanted to be there for me. Nobody wanted to help me. It was all too much.  It was only okay when it was not too much.  Anti depressants suck. I hate them.  I am sorry. I know I am hurting everyone, but I would like to quit. This isn't to show anyone anything. This is just for my own sake.  Thanks for everything. 

I wrote another mail to my therapist yesterday morning. Obviously they're unavailable to respond. Here's how it goes:  "I write once again.  There has been no improvement; there has been a massive decline in my health. I am not eating properly, and I don't feel good. I must have lost a few kilos in the last 20 days. I don't think I can sustain this anymore. I don't see the point.  I plan to take a train to some random place, switch off my phone and never appear again. I don't know what I will do, how I will live. I don't even know where will I go or if I will ever live again. I just want to disappear, whatever it takes.  People think this is me seeking attention, they think I have no issues, and I am doing it to gain unnecessary attention, but I hope they will realise how hurtful they were in forcing me to take these steps. I want to be at peace, and I want this pain to end. I can't bear it anymore.  People told me that I should stop taking antidepr...

 Hi,  I feel exhausted; the whole world feels that way. I am seeing a psychiatrist now, I have been taking SSRIs for four days now, along with mood uplifters, and my mood has gone down?  I still feel I am so alone; my mother has been emotionally abusing me, telling me how I am not thinking about her. I still have no friends. Moreover, people don't want to talk to me because I have a low mood, and when I tell them I am having psychiatric issues, they don't want to be involved in the whole thing. Though, they would happily talk to me if it were about something they needed help for.  I feel like my only support system is the one that I can pay for, be it therapy or be its psychiatry. That's all the support system I have. People have told me time and again how they're tired of hearing from me that I am not feeling good and how there is a limit to all this talk, how everyone has problems in their life and how my issues are not even significant enough. I am tired; I am ex...

I have been wronged at so many points in the life. Is there even a point to continue?  I don't wish to elaborate, but, if harassing someone, if forcing people to falsely accuse someone for abuse, is your definition of fun, then you should rot in hell, if there's one.  But you know what? There's none. There is no punishment for anyone, for people who will literally threaten you, who will abuse you, who will physically hurt you. There's nothing people are going to face repercussions for.  People could literally kill me tomorrow, and face ZERO repercussions for it. And that has been my realisation.  People will always win, and I shall always lose.  People are tired of me feeling this way, nobody is tired of how abusive and bullying people have been. Nobody has ever questioned them.  I refuse to die, but that's all my body wants rn. There's nothing that will ever stop these harassments. There's nothing which will ever result in punishment for these harassments....