Mail to my therapist

 Hi, 


I feel exhausted; the whole world feels that way. I am seeing a psychiatrist now, I have been taking SSRIs for four days now, along with mood uplifters, and my mood has gone down? 


I still feel I am so alone; my mother has been emotionally abusing me, telling me how I am not thinking about her. I still have no friends. Moreover, people don't want to talk to me because I have a low mood, and when I tell them I am having psychiatric issues, they don't want to be involved in the whole thing. Though, they would happily talk to me if it were about something they needed help for. 


I feel like my only support system is the one that I can pay for, be it therapy or be its psychiatry. That's all the support system I have. People have told me time and again how they're tired of hearing from me that I am not feeling good and how there is a limit to all this talk, how everyone has problems in their life and how my issues are not even significant enough. I am tired; I am exhausted. 


I only requested friendships, and even that has been denied to me. I have been left alone to fend for myself when I have no energy to fend for myself.


I have this constant thought that I should run away, to a place where nobody knows me, nobody from this life can contact me. I want to disappear and not be approached by anyone, not be told how I am an inconvenience to them, how I am the problem for everyone. As Ghalib had said: 


"Rahiye ab aisi jagah chal kar jahan koi na ho, 

ham sukhan koi na ho, hum zuban koi na ho."


(Translated: To go and live in such a place where no one else should be

No one there to share one's thoughts no soul for company)


I am probably the attention seeker they have constantly been calling me; I am the person who is being a burden on everyone. 


The person who was supposed to do the group therapy thing was supposed to contact me this week, but we have almost reached the weekend; she has not called me yet. Maybe she will not because I don't deserve to be looked after; I do not deserve the support.  


I know I am cribbing here, and you probably do not have the headspace to read all of this and to respond to this, and you'd probably tell me to contact one of the helplines; I personally think these helplines are the worst. They are devoid of all human touch, and they have always had a bad experience for me. I don't know, anyway, what I want is some support, some person who is not a professional but a friend. A person who will talk to me like they'd to any of their friends and not like they'd because they think they are being paid for it. 


I have deactivated my social media because I was constantly told that I was making people uncomfortable by talking about things. I am sick of it. I am sick of many things, but the lack of support is something that I am the sickest of. I am sorry for all this; I am sorry for this mail. I hope you are doing well. I wrote this because I thought, if I wait, it might be too late. 


Regards, 


Shashank 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Transactions.

For previous few days, I have been struggling to figure out if I even have friends. I approached a lot of people who I thought would like to talk to me, almost to no avail. I felt dejected, and disappointed, to say the least.  I spoke to my therapist about this. They think I don't have friends. What I have are transactional acquaintances. A group of people, who will talk to me when one of us need help or if there's some social obligations to be fulfilled, be it birthdays or anything. This isn't the same as having friendships which are natural, where you speak to people just for the fun of it.  I feel that is a very true evaluation of how human relationships have worked for me throughout the time. I have not had people who would just talk to me for the sake of it.  I do not know how can I change that, what can I do to make friends which aren't mere transactional support system to me.  The problem with transactional support system is, it doesn't work when you're a...
Read more

Mail to my therapist - 2

I wrote another mail to my therapist yesterday morning. Obviously they're unavailable to respond. Here's how it goes:  "I write once again.  There has been no improvement; there has been a massive decline in my health. I am not eating properly, and I don't feel good. I must have lost a few kilos in the last 20 days. I don't think I can sustain this anymore. I don't see the point.  I plan to take a train to some random place, switch off my phone and never appear again. I don't know what I will do, how I will live. I don't even know where will I go or if I will ever live again. I just want to disappear, whatever it takes.  People think this is me seeking attention, they think I have no issues, and I am doing it to gain unnecessary attention, but I hope they will realise how hurtful they were in forcing me to take these steps. I want to be at peace, and I want this pain to end. I can't bear it anymore.  People told me that I should stop taking antidepr...
Read more

Mail to my therapist - 3

Hi, What's the point of living like this? What's the point of being 'gifted', being 'smart'? Why should one even stand for the right thing? Why should one do the right thing? What's the point of anything at all? To live a life where you will be, time and again, thrusted into a situation where you have been abused for years, is not what I want. I am tired.  I know for everyone it would be better if I focused on the good part, if I took a step back and see four steps forward. It doesn't happen that way. I wish it did.  When I take that step back, I fall sick, I fall into this hellhole where I can't move out of my bed for days. Where everything seems futile. Everything is pointless and worthless. It keeps happening. Again and again.  The easy way out is to stop this cycle. For it to end.  I don't need to be smart to know that I can't help myself, and everyone is tired of helping me. I just don't see it working. It doesn't work that way. ...
Read more