Transactions.

For previous few days, I have been struggling to figure out if I even have friends. I approached a lot of people who I thought would like to talk to me, almost to no avail. I felt dejected, and disappointed, to say the least. 

I spoke to my therapist about this. They think I don't have friends. What I have are transactional acquaintances. A group of people, who will talk to me when one of us need help or if there's some social obligations to be fulfilled, be it birthdays or anything. This isn't the same as having friendships which are natural, where you speak to people just for the fun of it. 

I feel that is a very true evaluation of how human relationships have worked for me throughout the time. I have not had people who would just talk to me for the sake of it. 

I do not know how can I change that, what can I do to make friends which aren't mere transactional support system to me. 

The problem with transactional support system is, it doesn't work when you're at your worst, because you don't have the energy to provide in that transaction. Sometimes, you need people to be there to you not because they owe you anything but because they care to be there for you. 

This whole issue has caused me more grief than I actually had to begin with. 

I still feel dejected and disappointed, and I don't know what to do of it, so this is just my random scream in vacuum.